I have to first laugh as I begin to write these words lol, because after all the bravado, arrogant denials & scoffs at the very idea.... I still inevitablly find myself where I swore I wouldn't, overwhelmed by my own thoughts... and at this point I throw in the towel.... I submissively step out of my denial.
I guess I should start off with the most basic truth... I have no idea what I'm doing anymore... After taking a hit... I've been trying to find what/who I'm supposed to be, what I'm "supposed" to be doing and quite honestly what I've found is nothing...
Lol, and it is hilarious to me, because I think I convinced myself for a minute there that I had attained a period of stabillity, or at least satisfaction. But the truth is I think I keep myself distracted enough that I don't have to think about the fact that I, in my Foolish and prideful ways, may have managed to push away and chase away everything that once mattered...
Why? Maybe because I felt that situations and individuals were to close, leaving me vulnerable something I & my pride couldn't have. Maybe I couldn't cope with change, maybe I was a coward, maybe...
The reason I find, is now ironically irrelevant (seeing as how I have spent many nights and conversations trying to uncover those very reasons)...what I find is important is that after a much too long period of time I Still find myself unable to find direction, and with countless things to say. Still behaving recklessly, looking forward to only drunken nights, and bitches I could care less about...Still emotionally wounded, and similarily to that wounded animal, I immediately guard myself against anyone else who may want to approach my wounds and within 1 months time successfully chase them away by being the jerk/asshole that I have always been so wonderful at being...lol
And as I now realize what I have written up to this point and exactly what it is I am doing, I of course contemplate not posting this for fear that I am being too transparent, completely opposite from the arrogant facade that I try to adorn most days...but honestly I think if I don't post this to the public I'd go crazy...I mean after the countless convos I have with myself I need to share some of my mental burdens...
Thanks for listening
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